What's the deal with being stuck in this skinny body?

Here's a random one. Same old story. I grew up that tall lanky girl with "twigs for arms" (that was my nickname growing up.) I was made fun of for being skinny, soft spoken, and as tall as trees.  I wasn't very outgoing and had very little self esteem. And then...I started modeling. Fast forward 10 years later. Why YES you ask, I have been going at this little make shift modeling career for 10 years, give or take a few months. It has been splendid, and also horrific at the same time.  But, I don't want to talk about modeling specifically. I want to talk about how I have this constant pulling of emotions going on in this ole brain pan upstairs about my body image. Now, I am perfectly fine with my height, in fact I could always be be taller. I have never cared for my feet, and I hate that I can't ever find a bra that actually fits my 14 year old chesties region.  I have grown to cope with that, or until I stumble across a really great plastic surgeon and $10,000.  I've always hated my skin, we are not friends, but we are always working on our relationship. The real deep down problem here is muscles. As we all know, I am a big bodybuilder at heart. I blame my ever so passionate boyfriend who showed me the muscle worshiping light when we first started dating. I knew what bodybuilding was because my uncle competed when I was a little girl and my PE teacher in elementary school was also a natural bodybuilder. But what I didn't know and what I soon found out, it's addicting and never ending. There is always this sense of self perfection.

 Here is my dilemma . I am an ectomorph through and through. I eat for 2 and remain the same weight. I am definitely stronger than I have ever been but my struggle is the mass that I put on when lifting for hypertrophy.  I want so badly to have this shape about me but I am terrified of how it will affect my career. I know that it is physically impossible for me to get bulky ( I am not afraid of that.) I just know from experience the more I get away from a model sample size, the less work I will be able to do. My quads and glutes are much bigger than ever before. I have worked for it and most people who probably laugh at me because I am still a string bean. But I take progress pictures and I know how my clothes fit. How does one find a happy medium between bodybuilding and modeling. I know I will never be the IFBB bikini champ I'd ever so hoped to be without a pair of big Ta Ta's, but I want to fit in there somewhere. Of course the fitness modeling division in Chicago is nonexistent, or I just don't know about it.  It'd just be nice to feel as if I look like I actually work out, instead of the girl that everyone says "Hey you must be a runner" to. I don't run, I hate running and always have. I lift weights. I lift hard. I enjoy the fatigue my muscles feel when they are about to fail. I need to get ripped and still look pretty while doing it. How hard can that truly be?? 

In the end I can't completely complain....I have been blessed with great chemical makeup and have to work harder to put on some muscle, but at least I am happy (most of the time) and healthy. Now if only I could kick my over use of caffeine and life will be special.

Only the dreamer can change the dream

"Life is but an empty dream"  -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have been experiencing this reoccurring dream these past few months. Truthfully I have many dreams that tend to cycle through every few weeks. They say that dreams sometimes have strong emotional content. It is very much in our subconscious that we think about things throughout out waking life, and can return to those thoughts in our deep sleep. Sometimes they messages are very vague but they affect us. For me specifically I feel the emotions when I wake up. I do wish I did not dream some of the things that I do, but I have a wondering mind. I guess in order to remove the unpleasant dreams, you must discard the thoughts provoking it.  Easier said than done right?

My dream that has recently been bothersome has been based around a class like in highschool/college. Each time the class is different and the material is never specific. There is always something random going on the actual dream and I can't ever piece it together. In my dream I keep missing a class and forgetting to go to it. I get closer and closer to graduation and realize that I am not going to graduate because I haven't been attending this specific class.  I don't go to the class because I do not understand the material and hate asking for help. This can very much translate to my real life in which sense I have never liked receiving help. I have worked very hard to get where I am and with very little help to get me here. Granted I am sure it was somewhat always there, I just never had enough in me to ask for it. This comes to my actual classes in school and also into my adult life living moving to Chicago and being in the circumstances I have been in.  We all are very much to blame for certain scenarios we get into, especially when we don't know how to get out of them.  I guess for me now, I have it stuck in my mind that I do not belong or don't feel accepted. I have always felt this way. I have always been an outside, quiet, and not very confident. It is hard to get out of, and of course I need to grow up in that sense. I guess I just don't always believe in myself especially when I do not feel that others believe in me. Besides of course my family, not feeling accepted has really always been a struggle for me. I have always had a extra sensitivity about my skin, and about how I can't seem to get ahead even when the effort is there.  I have always put forth extra effort in to things in hopes that eventually they will pay off, and when they don't and there is still a struggle I find it immensely difficult to find the courage and strength to push harder and keep my head up. I don't really have any close friends anymore...I spend more time alone with my thoughts than speaking to others. The internet has really sort of ruined people's communication skills. Sure I use it a lot but I'd rather go for coffee with someone than have a Gchat or whatever. My dreams stem from my overall frustrations with my inability to be satisfied with my general life. I am afraid of change and not being appreciated or accepted. I guess I just feel I am worth more than I get sometimes. Truth be told,  I am very much an introvert, but do appreciate attention and unconditional love or genuine friendship/relationships.

"A fool who recognises his own ignorance is thereby in fact a wise man, but a
fool who considers himself wise -- that is what one really calls a fool. -
Gautama Buddha"

The book that changed my life.

Today I woke up later than normal. I cleaned like I always end up doing. My client didn't come in. I went to lunch and saw Perks of Being a Wallflower with Natalie. Came home and packed. Today, this week, or for awhile I have felt this sort of lull in the way life is right now. I feel that something is missing. Things that I expected to be there, are not. In the past and present I set certain standards or expectations for situations/people involved in my life. It is sort of a sense of defeat to not be where I intended.
I am being vague, I'll admit. I have my reasons. I am rather just disappointed in my relationships with people. I have very few friends, which doesn't bother me. I am actually content with being a lone wolf. I have always been that way, but I always had that one great friend whom I knew would always be there, never judge me, and I could count on. We all hope to have that, and sometimes that friend goes away. People move on in their lives. They are preoccupied with the present and sometimes do not put others thoughts first.  I am guilty of this as well. I have spent a lot of time trying to better my life, trying to run away from all the things that make me sad. Along the way I have lost a bit of me and have become a different person.  So much sorrow has surrounded my life, and because of that I have held on to this emotion and anxiety that I am not going to ever get the outcome in life that I want. Don't get me wrong, my life is very happy. I have great people whom care about me, and I care as much for them. But you know those people who truly get you? The one's who stood by you through everything, and changed your life? What happens when they aren't there for you anymore? If they find a replacement, and you become an afterthought. I feel like an afterthought in several aspects of where I am.  What then? This is specific and generalized because this emotion I feel is loosely connected to multiple situations.  I am saddened that this situation is even an issue. I am frustrated because of the things that led up to this. I don't know what I can do to change it because I am too angry to resolve it. 

I feel happiness. Like my cat Magnolia who never lays on my lap is as I write this. Or the Yann Tiersen and Shannon Wright playing in the background. Or the fact that I get to go pick up Mike from work and go spend some time with McGee and the Parrish's. But why can't happiness be easier elsewhere? I have worked hard all my life, sure I have had some bouts of procrastination, but I have always trucked along and made things work. What do I need to change, that is the question of the week?

Off I go for now.

<3

October

Fall is in full swing and I am sitting at home with my cats and the windows open. Thursdays are typically very slow for me so I spend most of the day cleaning. I can say that some things have definitely changed in my life, and I can't complain one bit.  After getting back from the Olympia at the end of September, Mike and I came home to my cats and a new step in a great direction. I did not see life being at this point a few months ago, I honestly did not have very high hopes for the outcome of having to move from my last apartment.
I have lived in Logan Square since 2009, just 3 minutes or 2 blocks way from Mike. When we started dated I spent most of my time coming back and forth apartments, and further down the line I basically lived at his place and only went home to feed the cats and clean up a bit. So when I told my landlord that unless I could find a better situation I did not want to renew, and she agreed. Living with people can be very hard, especially when they do not share the same keep clean/be responsible values. I can't say I am a perfect person or that I have never struggled but I know I have always made sure that no matter how broke I might be, my rent always gets paid first. Hell this transition, going to Vegas right after a move, coming back to half a paycheck, and waiting for others to pay you really put me in a bind, but at least I know that its only temporary. But the idea of leaving Logan Square and even worse not getting to wake up next to Mike every day really pulled at my emotions. So I made my decision.
 After all was said and done I am so glad for the change, but it was honestly a big decision. Officially moving in with your other half is a gigantic step, not to mention introducing my 2 cats to a new apartment and a reluctant boyfriend is quite a hard task.  I was very nervous, still am. But I can tell you now that I wake up every day so happy, even when I have to be up at 6:00am three days a week. A weight has been lifted. Suddenly, all the things that stressed me before seem so insignificant. I say that in present, I sit here and I am not worried. I spent my day off cleaning and feeling good. (Despite being sick for what seems like weeks.) I can not complain, OK maybe about the fact that Bella and Magnolia (my 2 furry love kitties) have both decided to start meowing every single night and pawing at the door. Wow that is annoying.  Training your cats to do everything opposite of what they were allowed to do for 7 years is a SLOW painful process. But all in good fun, they are a joy, a pain in the ass, and I love them so much. Just like Mike.

Past all that, I have been working some 20-25 hours now each week with all my clients. Some have stayed with me for a long time and some are new. I really love and appreciate the fact that I am able to work with and help people achieve their goals. You would think that most people care about aesthetics and I get that, but honestly I spend more time helping people feel better and stronger. To me there is nothing more satisfying than seeing a client look at you with the (are you really going to make me do this look) and then after they do it they are excited they accomplished something. It is great.

Modeling has also been really great. It seems to come in different phases. One minute I am just training/working out during my free time and the next I have a ton of jobs/shoots. It really is great that I still have the opportunities to live out my dreams. I am grateful to have a job that is flexible enough to still live my life outside of just one career path. I am a gemini after all. I need to do multiple things otherwise I will always feel uninspired.

I have a life, someone whom I love so deeply I can not even describe my happiness, and a great career path. Now I just have to watch how it all pans out.

<3

2012 and Beyond

It is 3 months into the year 2012 and what a weird year it has been. I started the journey that is my personal training career and has been very emotional, then again when is my life not? Along with that I have been working on increasing my muscular strength and size. That has been a huge challenge. I have been WAY more than I can afford sometimes, but I have made some gains. I am still rather lean but have a little more lean muscle on my shoulders and more size in my glutes, quads, and hams. I am still in the "fluffy" phase but still appear to be thin. No complaints here.

I have spent the past few months trying to build my clientele. I have been fortunate enough to gain a few permanent clients and worked with a few people who could only afford a smaller training package. I am sure this is normal or maybe I am just not doing a good enough job. It is very difficult to remain positive while you are just starting out. There are a lot of ups and downs and I second guess my self quite a bit. I feel like I have gained all of this knowledge but sometimes I just feel lost. Today is definitely one of those days. I finally got a fairly large paycheck. Probably one of the biggest I have received outside of modeling. It felt good but I know it won't be consistent at least for a bit. I passed up a job at the Logan Square Theatre because I need to fully focus on this. I do miss that instant cash from bartending but the hours are not much to be desired!

On a side note I have been thinking about my actions and feelings lately. It has made me think a bit more about how I handle my life and decisions. I have spent so much time trying to appease everyone, seeking some sense of gratitude or appreciation. I feel like I have lost a sense in trying to make myself happy. I over achieve, I try to help too much, and then I feel upset because no one says Thanks so much! or The place looks great...or maybe my effort will show how much I care and they return the effort back. It hasn't been working, so clearly I am not satisfied with it. My solution, and the obvious way normal people go about it, is to be more selfish. Stop caring about trying to "impress" or get some sort of thanks, do things for you. Go out of your way to make yourself feel better and you will not be let down in the long run.

I have been thinking about all this lately, and fitness, nutriton, mental alike, its relevant to health and happiness. You create and destroy your own well being and happiness, so take care of it.

That is all.

Goals for the rest of the year...up and perfect my Olympic Lift maxes, and eventually compete in Figure. When my size is right of course. Til then.

Faretheewell.

Mr. Olympia 2011 and weight gaining

I haven't updated in a few weeks, with good reason. Things have been rather jam packed lately. I now work 5 days a week at David Barton Gym and decided to stop bartending for a while or for good. Anddd Mr. Olympia 2011 was last weekend in Las Vegas. I'd have to say aside from the car rental company making us pay stupid fees for not being 25 year (yet), and United losing our luggage full of samples/foam roller/supplements for 3 days, it was a pretty incredible trip!

Highlights:

• Got to meet some of my favorite bodybuilders and figure/bikini competitors (pictures to follow)
• Got to root for my girl Alicia Harris on the Olympia stage! She looks absolutely gorgeous!
• Working out at Golds Gym again for the Universal Animal Event. Did bent over rows next to the great Evan Centopani, and had the pleasure of watching Dennis Wolf and my boy Victor Martinez do a shoot for Muscular Developement.
• Eating Ruth Chris Filet Mignon cooked in butter
• Eating at In N Out Burger
• Shopping at Burberry
• All you can eat buffets not once but 3 times!
• Getting my picture in front of the Evogen Nutrition sign!
• Flying over the Grand Canyon
• Getting to drive our own rental car around Vegas
• Riding New York New York
• Getting Nicole Wilkins and Nicole Nagrini to sign a bikini calender of them lol!
• Seeing Phil Heath and Jay Cutler duke it out!!!!
• And most importantly getting to experience it all with the love of my life!

On to my progress in weight training and building mass! So far so good I think. I can tell an overall difference with how my body looks. I have basically just started eating whatever I want, with some exceptions. I eat everything with knowledge of what is in it, and try to meet a certain daily intake of my carbs/fats/proteins/etc. I have put on a few pounds. I am at 114.5 this monring! I can see more definition in my shoulders, triceps, calves, and even quads. I also can squat my bodyweight! That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I wouldn't be able to do it without Mike's help motivating me to get to this point. Building mass is really difficult for a lot of people, I am definitely feeling the struggle and do get discouraged at times. Going to the Olympia expo and meeting Nicole Wilkins and Justine Munro was really motivating for me. I can't wait to get there some day! Here are some pictures from our trip! :)

Enjoy! <3

                                               Me with my favorite bikini pro Justine Munro

Olympia Bikini Winner Nicole Nagrini

 At the Evogen Nutrition Booth!!

 The one and only Evan Centopani

 Me and my biggest role model and Ms. Figure Olympia and Sheru Class winnner Nicole Wilkins!!!!!

 Me and the most gorgeous man alive and my boyfriend Mike!!!

 Dont remember his name but he ruled!!!

 ANNDDD VICTOR MARTINEZ HE BE FLEXIN!!!!



Evogen Nutrition Interview!! and Olympia!!!

So I forgot to post this when they first upated my interview! Thanks to all the help of friends, family, and everyone that spread the word for the Evogen Nutrition contest! I won and was featured for a week on their homepage, here is the link- Evogen Nutrition Bikini Model Search  . Its pretty awesome, I got a supplement stack (pre and post-work out supplements.) Their products are high quality and work great, so I am so thankful for this opportunity. In about 10 weeks there will be another competition between all the girls and whoever wins get to be their next sponsored athlete. I hope to be at a higher fitness level at that point! My training and dieting seem to be working great, I can see the slight difference in definition in my muscles where as before I was just toned. I am still skinny mini but I have increased my caloric intake and eat more frequently when possible. I hope to be at 125-130 lbs by the end of my gains but still at my leanest. I can't wait for that day, but its a slow and steady process!

And oh my gosh!!! Can't I say 2 weeks from today Mike and I will be in Las Vegas for the Olympia Expo and Show! So very excited. We just decided to get a rental car while out there so we can enjoy the sites a bit more and not spend so much on cabs to go to and from gym/grocery/olympia show etc. I think its going to be such an awesome trip, I seriously cant wait. Next year we are going to try to the Grand Canyon or Hoover Damn. I have never been to either so I think itd be really amazing to do, but no time to allow it this trip!! So happy :)