What's the deal with being stuck in this skinny body?

Here's a random one. Same old story. I grew up that tall lanky girl with "twigs for arms" (that was my nickname growing up.) I was made fun of for being skinny, soft spoken, and as tall as trees.  I wasn't very outgoing and had very little self esteem. And then...I started modeling. Fast forward 10 years later. Why YES you ask, I have been going at this little make shift modeling career for 10 years, give or take a few months. It has been splendid, and also horrific at the same time.  But, I don't want to talk about modeling specifically. I want to talk about how I have this constant pulling of emotions going on in this ole brain pan upstairs about my body image. Now, I am perfectly fine with my height, in fact I could always be be taller. I have never cared for my feet, and I hate that I can't ever find a bra that actually fits my 14 year old chesties region.  I have grown to cope with that, or until I stumble across a really great plastic surgeon and $10,000.  I've always hated my skin, we are not friends, but we are always working on our relationship. The real deep down problem here is muscles. As we all know, I am a big bodybuilder at heart. I blame my ever so passionate boyfriend who showed me the muscle worshiping light when we first started dating. I knew what bodybuilding was because my uncle competed when I was a little girl and my PE teacher in elementary school was also a natural bodybuilder. But what I didn't know and what I soon found out, it's addicting and never ending. There is always this sense of self perfection.

 Here is my dilemma . I am an ectomorph through and through. I eat for 2 and remain the same weight. I am definitely stronger than I have ever been but my struggle is the mass that I put on when lifting for hypertrophy.  I want so badly to have this shape about me but I am terrified of how it will affect my career. I know that it is physically impossible for me to get bulky ( I am not afraid of that.) I just know from experience the more I get away from a model sample size, the less work I will be able to do. My quads and glutes are much bigger than ever before. I have worked for it and most people who probably laugh at me because I am still a string bean. But I take progress pictures and I know how my clothes fit. How does one find a happy medium between bodybuilding and modeling. I know I will never be the IFBB bikini champ I'd ever so hoped to be without a pair of big Ta Ta's, but I want to fit in there somewhere. Of course the fitness modeling division in Chicago is nonexistent, or I just don't know about it.  It'd just be nice to feel as if I look like I actually work out, instead of the girl that everyone says "Hey you must be a runner" to. I don't run, I hate running and always have. I lift weights. I lift hard. I enjoy the fatigue my muscles feel when they are about to fail. I need to get ripped and still look pretty while doing it. How hard can that truly be?? 

In the end I can't completely complain....I have been blessed with great chemical makeup and have to work harder to put on some muscle, but at least I am happy (most of the time) and healthy. Now if only I could kick my over use of caffeine and life will be special.

Only the dreamer can change the dream

"Life is but an empty dream"  -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have been experiencing this reoccurring dream these past few months. Truthfully I have many dreams that tend to cycle through every few weeks. They say that dreams sometimes have strong emotional content. It is very much in our subconscious that we think about things throughout out waking life, and can return to those thoughts in our deep sleep. Sometimes they messages are very vague but they affect us. For me specifically I feel the emotions when I wake up. I do wish I did not dream some of the things that I do, but I have a wondering mind. I guess in order to remove the unpleasant dreams, you must discard the thoughts provoking it.  Easier said than done right?

My dream that has recently been bothersome has been based around a class like in highschool/college. Each time the class is different and the material is never specific. There is always something random going on the actual dream and I can't ever piece it together. In my dream I keep missing a class and forgetting to go to it. I get closer and closer to graduation and realize that I am not going to graduate because I haven't been attending this specific class.  I don't go to the class because I do not understand the material and hate asking for help. This can very much translate to my real life in which sense I have never liked receiving help. I have worked very hard to get where I am and with very little help to get me here. Granted I am sure it was somewhat always there, I just never had enough in me to ask for it. This comes to my actual classes in school and also into my adult life living moving to Chicago and being in the circumstances I have been in.  We all are very much to blame for certain scenarios we get into, especially when we don't know how to get out of them.  I guess for me now, I have it stuck in my mind that I do not belong or don't feel accepted. I have always felt this way. I have always been an outside, quiet, and not very confident. It is hard to get out of, and of course I need to grow up in that sense. I guess I just don't always believe in myself especially when I do not feel that others believe in me. Besides of course my family, not feeling accepted has really always been a struggle for me. I have always had a extra sensitivity about my skin, and about how I can't seem to get ahead even when the effort is there.  I have always put forth extra effort in to things in hopes that eventually they will pay off, and when they don't and there is still a struggle I find it immensely difficult to find the courage and strength to push harder and keep my head up. I don't really have any close friends anymore...I spend more time alone with my thoughts than speaking to others. The internet has really sort of ruined people's communication skills. Sure I use it a lot but I'd rather go for coffee with someone than have a Gchat or whatever. My dreams stem from my overall frustrations with my inability to be satisfied with my general life. I am afraid of change and not being appreciated or accepted. I guess I just feel I am worth more than I get sometimes. Truth be told,  I am very much an introvert, but do appreciate attention and unconditional love or genuine friendship/relationships.

"A fool who recognises his own ignorance is thereby in fact a wise man, but a
fool who considers himself wise -- that is what one really calls a fool. -
Gautama Buddha"