Here's a random one. Same old story. I grew up that tall lanky girl with "twigs for arms" (that was my nickname growing up.) I was made fun of for being skinny, soft spoken, and as tall as trees. I wasn't very outgoing and had very little self esteem. And then...I started modeling. Fast forward 10 years later. Why YES you ask, I have been going at this little make shift modeling career for 10 years, give or take a few months. It has been splendid, and also horrific at the same time. But, I don't want to talk about modeling specifically. I want to talk about how I have this constant pulling of emotions going on in this ole brain pan upstairs about my body image. Now, I am perfectly fine with my height, in fact I could always be be taller. I have never cared for my feet, and I hate that I can't ever find a bra that actually fits my 14 year old chesties region. I have grown to cope with that, or until I stumble across a really great plastic surgeon and $10,000. I've always hated my skin, we are not friends, but we are always working on our relationship. The real deep down problem here is muscles. As we all know, I am a big bodybuilder at heart. I blame my ever so passionate boyfriend who showed me the muscle worshiping light when we first started dating. I knew what bodybuilding was because my uncle competed when I was a little girl and my PE teacher in elementary school was also a natural bodybuilder. But what I didn't know and what I soon found out, it's addicting and never ending. There is always this sense of self perfection.
Here is my dilemma . I am an ectomorph through and through. I eat for 2 and remain the same weight. I am definitely stronger than I have ever been but my struggle is the mass that I put on when lifting for hypertrophy. I want so badly to have this shape about me but I am terrified of how it will affect my career. I know that it is physically impossible for me to get bulky ( I am not afraid of that.) I just know from experience the more I get away from a model sample size, the less work I will be able to do. My quads and glutes are much bigger than ever before. I have worked for it and most people who probably laugh at me because I am still a string bean. But I take progress pictures and I know how my clothes fit. How does one find a happy medium between bodybuilding and modeling. I know I will never be the IFBB bikini champ I'd ever so hoped to be without a pair of big Ta Ta's, but I want to fit in there somewhere. Of course the fitness modeling division in Chicago is nonexistent, or I just don't know about it. It'd just be nice to feel as if I look like I actually work out, instead of the girl that everyone says "Hey you must be a runner" to. I don't run, I hate running and always have. I lift weights. I lift hard. I enjoy the fatigue my muscles feel when they are about to fail. I need to get ripped and still look pretty while doing it. How hard can that truly be??
In the end I can't completely complain....I have been blessed with great chemical makeup and have to work harder to put on some muscle, but at least I am happy (most of the time) and healthy. Now if only I could kick my over use of caffeine and life will be special.
Here is my dilemma . I am an ectomorph through and through. I eat for 2 and remain the same weight. I am definitely stronger than I have ever been but my struggle is the mass that I put on when lifting for hypertrophy. I want so badly to have this shape about me but I am terrified of how it will affect my career. I know that it is physically impossible for me to get bulky ( I am not afraid of that.) I just know from experience the more I get away from a model sample size, the less work I will be able to do. My quads and glutes are much bigger than ever before. I have worked for it and most people who probably laugh at me because I am still a string bean. But I take progress pictures and I know how my clothes fit. How does one find a happy medium between bodybuilding and modeling. I know I will never be the IFBB bikini champ I'd ever so hoped to be without a pair of big Ta Ta's, but I want to fit in there somewhere. Of course the fitness modeling division in Chicago is nonexistent, or I just don't know about it. It'd just be nice to feel as if I look like I actually work out, instead of the girl that everyone says "Hey you must be a runner" to. I don't run, I hate running and always have. I lift weights. I lift hard. I enjoy the fatigue my muscles feel when they are about to fail. I need to get ripped and still look pretty while doing it. How hard can that truly be??
In the end I can't completely complain....I have been blessed with great chemical makeup and have to work harder to put on some muscle, but at least I am happy (most of the time) and healthy. Now if only I could kick my over use of caffeine and life will be special.
