Today I woke up later than normal. I cleaned like I always end up doing. My client didn't come in. I went to lunch and saw Perks of Being a Wallflower with Natalie. Came home and packed. Today, this week, or for awhile I have felt this sort of lull in the way life is right now. I feel that something is missing. Things that I expected to be there, are not. In the past and present I set certain standards or expectations for situations/people involved in my life. It is sort of a sense of defeat to not be where I intended.
I am being vague, I'll admit. I have my reasons. I am rather just disappointed in my relationships with people. I have very few friends, which doesn't bother me. I am actually content with being a lone wolf. I have always been that way, but I always had that one great friend whom I knew would always be there, never judge me, and I could count on. We all hope to have that, and sometimes that friend goes away. People move on in their lives. They are preoccupied with the present and sometimes do not put others thoughts first. I am guilty of this as well. I have spent a lot of time trying to better my life, trying to run away from all the things that make me sad. Along the way I have lost a bit of me and have become a different person. So much sorrow has surrounded my life, and because of that I have held on to this emotion and anxiety that I am not going to ever get the outcome in life that I want. Don't get me wrong, my life is very happy. I have great people whom care about me, and I care as much for them. But you know those people who truly get you? The one's who stood by you through everything, and changed your life? What happens when they aren't there for you anymore? If they find a replacement, and you become an afterthought. I feel like an afterthought in several aspects of where I am. What then? This is specific and generalized because this emotion I feel is loosely connected to multiple situations. I am saddened that this situation is even an issue. I am frustrated because of the things that led up to this. I don't know what I can do to change it because I am too angry to resolve it.
I feel happiness. Like my cat Magnolia who never lays on my lap is as I write this. Or the Yann Tiersen and Shannon Wright playing in the background. Or the fact that I get to go pick up Mike from work and go spend some time with McGee and the Parrish's. But why can't happiness be easier elsewhere? I have worked hard all my life, sure I have had some bouts of procrastination, but I have always trucked along and made things work. What do I need to change, that is the question of the week?
Off I go for now.
<3
I am being vague, I'll admit. I have my reasons. I am rather just disappointed in my relationships with people. I have very few friends, which doesn't bother me. I am actually content with being a lone wolf. I have always been that way, but I always had that one great friend whom I knew would always be there, never judge me, and I could count on. We all hope to have that, and sometimes that friend goes away. People move on in their lives. They are preoccupied with the present and sometimes do not put others thoughts first. I am guilty of this as well. I have spent a lot of time trying to better my life, trying to run away from all the things that make me sad. Along the way I have lost a bit of me and have become a different person. So much sorrow has surrounded my life, and because of that I have held on to this emotion and anxiety that I am not going to ever get the outcome in life that I want. Don't get me wrong, my life is very happy. I have great people whom care about me, and I care as much for them. But you know those people who truly get you? The one's who stood by you through everything, and changed your life? What happens when they aren't there for you anymore? If they find a replacement, and you become an afterthought. I feel like an afterthought in several aspects of where I am. What then? This is specific and generalized because this emotion I feel is loosely connected to multiple situations. I am saddened that this situation is even an issue. I am frustrated because of the things that led up to this. I don't know what I can do to change it because I am too angry to resolve it.
I feel happiness. Like my cat Magnolia who never lays on my lap is as I write this. Or the Yann Tiersen and Shannon Wright playing in the background. Or the fact that I get to go pick up Mike from work and go spend some time with McGee and the Parrish's. But why can't happiness be easier elsewhere? I have worked hard all my life, sure I have had some bouts of procrastination, but I have always trucked along and made things work. What do I need to change, that is the question of the week?
Off I go for now.
<3
Hi Danielle - I saw you at a trade show in western, MA on Tuesday 5/14/13... you autographed my friends picture that you were handing out. I saw the picture with your name on it this morning, so I googled you and found this blog. - please note that I realize this may be an afterthought at this point, seeing as this post is from last October - but motivation strikes me to write the following.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why, but this post is the one I read first. Well, I do know why - because I have a book that changed my life too.... and it totally relates to what you are typing about here. I have been through a lot in "my" life, although I was always a happy-go-lucky kind of person and maintained a pretty good attitude towards life through it all. I was somewhat forced into a state of independence after losing my father to lung cancer when I was 15 - just about to enter high school and that rage of hormones called puberty - on top of growing up with an older brother who struggled with suicide and bi-polar disorder until his mid 20's. I am now 32 and he is 36, happier than ever.
Although I was most often a pretty happy kid, devoting most of my time to exercise for a hoped for career playing hockey, there were definitely times of subtle discontent that popped up from time to time. Some times stronger and longer than others. I just figured it was the hand I was dealt - being around the struggles of my brother, having lost my father so young, I was very much alone with not many friends to relate to or confide in.
To cut to the chase, my brother and I were handed a book called The Power of NOW - by Eckhart Tolle - who I'm sure you've heard of. The underlying message of the book is - you are not your thoughts or emotions - but what notices them - therefore you can choose to do something about them, or watch them fade on their own. Although this sounds very subtle, and sometimes obvious for some, it's incredibly dynamic. The awareness that I am is what sees subtle discontent - when I finally learned to take responsibility, but relinquish ownership of any sort of negative emotions or states of mind - things miraculously began to deepen on a happier, more playful and carefree manner. The play of life finally begun - and I was there happily watching and joining in when I wanted to. Absolute freedom. Absolute ease. Absolute peace. Absolute joy and happiness - all by doing nothing at all, but recognizing that the real 'me' is what sees all inside and outside happening - which is the same in everyone - hence "we are all One". A common analogy used is that we are all waves upon the same vast ocean - deep down which is totally still and peaceful, but on top can rage - nevertheless, still remaining absolutely still deep down.
So, my unsolicited advice and answer to your question (why can't happiness be easier elsewhere?)is this; when one looks for happiness in people, places, events, accomplishments - happiness on that level is temporary at best. When recognizing deep inside that there is a calm, peaceful, accepting stillness that allows for everything to be, that space of awareness is You (and me, and everyone else) in essence. This is the peaceful depth of the ocean - and this is love in the true sense of the word - and also where true happiness arises in any set of circumstances.
Consider this quote - from a holocaust survivor: "Everything can be taken from man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." ~ Viktor E. Frankl.
The peculiar thing that happens upon recognizing this depth - happiness arises on it's own - almost as though that's the essential bi-product of touching life in it's depth. Life is inherently peaceful, happy, loving, accepting. Beautiful.
Thanks for signing my friends picture. It made his day.
~ Mike :)