The book that changed my life.

Today I woke up later than normal. I cleaned like I always end up doing. My client didn't come in. I went to lunch and saw Perks of Being a Wallflower with Natalie. Came home and packed. Today, this week, or for awhile I have felt this sort of lull in the way life is right now. I feel that something is missing. Things that I expected to be there, are not. In the past and present I set certain standards or expectations for situations/people involved in my life. It is sort of a sense of defeat to not be where I intended.
I am being vague, I'll admit. I have my reasons. I am rather just disappointed in my relationships with people. I have very few friends, which doesn't bother me. I am actually content with being a lone wolf. I have always been that way, but I always had that one great friend whom I knew would always be there, never judge me, and I could count on. We all hope to have that, and sometimes that friend goes away. People move on in their lives. They are preoccupied with the present and sometimes do not put others thoughts first.  I am guilty of this as well. I have spent a lot of time trying to better my life, trying to run away from all the things that make me sad. Along the way I have lost a bit of me and have become a different person.  So much sorrow has surrounded my life, and because of that I have held on to this emotion and anxiety that I am not going to ever get the outcome in life that I want. Don't get me wrong, my life is very happy. I have great people whom care about me, and I care as much for them. But you know those people who truly get you? The one's who stood by you through everything, and changed your life? What happens when they aren't there for you anymore? If they find a replacement, and you become an afterthought. I feel like an afterthought in several aspects of where I am.  What then? This is specific and generalized because this emotion I feel is loosely connected to multiple situations.  I am saddened that this situation is even an issue. I am frustrated because of the things that led up to this. I don't know what I can do to change it because I am too angry to resolve it. 

I feel happiness. Like my cat Magnolia who never lays on my lap is as I write this. Or the Yann Tiersen and Shannon Wright playing in the background. Or the fact that I get to go pick up Mike from work and go spend some time with McGee and the Parrish's. But why can't happiness be easier elsewhere? I have worked hard all my life, sure I have had some bouts of procrastination, but I have always trucked along and made things work. What do I need to change, that is the question of the week?

Off I go for now.

<3

October

Fall is in full swing and I am sitting at home with my cats and the windows open. Thursdays are typically very slow for me so I spend most of the day cleaning. I can say that some things have definitely changed in my life, and I can't complain one bit.  After getting back from the Olympia at the end of September, Mike and I came home to my cats and a new step in a great direction. I did not see life being at this point a few months ago, I honestly did not have very high hopes for the outcome of having to move from my last apartment.
I have lived in Logan Square since 2009, just 3 minutes or 2 blocks way from Mike. When we started dated I spent most of my time coming back and forth apartments, and further down the line I basically lived at his place and only went home to feed the cats and clean up a bit. So when I told my landlord that unless I could find a better situation I did not want to renew, and she agreed. Living with people can be very hard, especially when they do not share the same keep clean/be responsible values. I can't say I am a perfect person or that I have never struggled but I know I have always made sure that no matter how broke I might be, my rent always gets paid first. Hell this transition, going to Vegas right after a move, coming back to half a paycheck, and waiting for others to pay you really put me in a bind, but at least I know that its only temporary. But the idea of leaving Logan Square and even worse not getting to wake up next to Mike every day really pulled at my emotions. So I made my decision.
 After all was said and done I am so glad for the change, but it was honestly a big decision. Officially moving in with your other half is a gigantic step, not to mention introducing my 2 cats to a new apartment and a reluctant boyfriend is quite a hard task.  I was very nervous, still am. But I can tell you now that I wake up every day so happy, even when I have to be up at 6:00am three days a week. A weight has been lifted. Suddenly, all the things that stressed me before seem so insignificant. I say that in present, I sit here and I am not worried. I spent my day off cleaning and feeling good. (Despite being sick for what seems like weeks.) I can not complain, OK maybe about the fact that Bella and Magnolia (my 2 furry love kitties) have both decided to start meowing every single night and pawing at the door. Wow that is annoying.  Training your cats to do everything opposite of what they were allowed to do for 7 years is a SLOW painful process. But all in good fun, they are a joy, a pain in the ass, and I love them so much. Just like Mike.

Past all that, I have been working some 20-25 hours now each week with all my clients. Some have stayed with me for a long time and some are new. I really love and appreciate the fact that I am able to work with and help people achieve their goals. You would think that most people care about aesthetics and I get that, but honestly I spend more time helping people feel better and stronger. To me there is nothing more satisfying than seeing a client look at you with the (are you really going to make me do this look) and then after they do it they are excited they accomplished something. It is great.

Modeling has also been really great. It seems to come in different phases. One minute I am just training/working out during my free time and the next I have a ton of jobs/shoots. It really is great that I still have the opportunities to live out my dreams. I am grateful to have a job that is flexible enough to still live my life outside of just one career path. I am a gemini after all. I need to do multiple things otherwise I will always feel uninspired.

I have a life, someone whom I love so deeply I can not even describe my happiness, and a great career path. Now I just have to watch how it all pans out.

<3